It was the most random thing that happened that day. Is that what I expected before I finally saw you? Absolutely not. Your hair was shorter. You looked neat. That color has never suited anyone better. Even now I could see you … not alone anymore.
But what did I expect? That we would say our casual “hey” and somehow later that day, I am bound to sleep beside you in your bed? That perhaps the reason why everytime we had the opportunity to confess our love, we couldn’t was because that day was finally the day? Shut the door. You’re god damn right.
I partied later that day. I drank all night with my friends. It was all a front of course. Because I couldn’t go to sleep with a clear mind. Because I wanted to forget. Because if I stayed up all night, no one would ever say it was because of you. Because knowing that you would keep me up all night, I’d rather do that under the influence of something rather than without.
How many times have we had the opportunity to tell the truth? The first time I remember because it was my birthday and we went into a secluded place, away from anyone to steal a hug. We have stayed up for so many nights talking on the phone … yes, those were nice but to what end? There have been instances when we have kissed… and even went as far as the farthest. How is it possible, things happened and we were not together after?
I have always been fine with that because we had an unspoken understanding which, if it was carved in the thickest stone or written in the brightest stars, would say that I was yours and you were mine. In other words, why did you find another one?
But I should’ve seen it coming. We never texted or called as often as lovers normally would. And we were never really lovers. We never went out just the two of us. We never did anything out and open. So imagine my surprise when you went out together.
Dumbfounded, blank, thunderstruck, agape — words are not even enough to describe how I felt when the news came to me. Here, right now, turning and wondering in my bed, I still cannot believe how possible it was — and the fact that you being with someone else was more likely than you being with me ever could, laying under the same stars as you, I am astonished that I cannot believe it. I cannot believe I cannot believe it.
This has been my daily routine for the past weeks, to sleep in the day and stay up all night. Thinking. Wondering. Drinking. Because no matter how many times I ask myself “what if?” it is pointless now. Everything is pointless now. So go on, live your life and I’ll go on pretending I don’t think of you anymore. Go on, keep me up all night. I’ll be sure have coffee and whiskey.
